It’s May 26th, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking…
What are some of the things that really get under your skin. Those things that can ruin a perfectly good day and make you sour and moody. For me its money and mess. I’ve been struggling to get disability benefits flowing for the last 2 months plus… its not going well and the money has run out. Just when I think something has come through for me I get the ‘3-5 business days to process’ excuse for why its not in my account yet. I’m starting to get curt with people on the phone, its just too much to expect anyone to handle with a smile. Who can live in this society without an income for over a month – its nuts!
And mess…. well this is a really hard pill to swallow. I have chronic back pain and spend most of each day in excruciating pain, taking pain medication but it just doesn’t cut it so I have to lay low, don’t do anything, just lay on the heating pad and let the world pass me by. My place is a mess, its not just untidy (I can tidy a bit) its dirty and I’m losing it! My bathroom needs to be cleaned, my floors need to be scrubbed and my kitchen looks like something blew up in there. My physiotherapist told me I am not supposed to bend, twist or lift…. no sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, lifting over 5 lbs, no standing at the counter too long. That pretty much takes care of anything I used to be able to do. I can’t take my own laundry to the basement laundry room, I have great difficulty to go grocery shopping and when I do I have to have someone come with me to help with carrying everything up to my 3rd floor walk-up. I move things around, tidy up, wash a few dishes now and then, cook a quick meal, but it doesn’t touch the mess I see all around me.
I know I am supposed to keep a positive attitude. Attitude is everything right? Fake it till you make it! Well some days I just can’t fake it and I don’t feel like I’m gonna make it (whatever ‘it’ is)
It’s May 24th, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking….
Today was a horrible day. I’m not coping well with being in pain all day every day, being on disability with lots of time on my hands and trying to work with my doctor and disability worker to get my benefits flowing. It’s all very stressful, no one seems particularly helpful and it feels like there is nothing I can do to change this situation. I have no money and don’t see when more will come in – a situation I have not had to deal with in many many years. So I came home from the doctor today, cried and spent the whole day in bed depressed like crazy and feeling so hopeless. To top it off its pouring rain.
So this evening I finally got out of bed and decided to do something. I had a couple canvases with paintings started on them. I had no idea what I was going to paint or how I was going to finish them but I just picked one up and started. I tend to do a lot of what I call ‘contrast’ art. I’ll do one drawing that’s happy and one similar but sad. One bright and one dark or a painting that depicts two extremes. At least I’m not painting/drawing all doom and gloom. I do see the bright side, the hope, the light. I’m happy with the one painting I finished tonight, or at least I think I’m finished with it. The other is just a beginning but I’m happy with it too. And surprise, surprise I’m feeling a little less depressed. Or maybe its just that I’m thinking less about my situation and just getting absorbed in the painting; whatever works. I’ve heard about art being used as therapy and now I understand why. I must try to remember to use this more often, even if its just sketching in my sketch book. It doesn’t cost much and I have lots of supplies already, just have to get out of bed and take that first step… pick up the pencil or paintbrush and create a better mood for myself.
It’s May 23, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking
I never thought a blog would be my thing but I’ve been told I’ve had a fascinating life and should write about it. It doesn’t feel fascinating now as I am in a slower stage of my life but I’ll admit alot has happened in the last 43 years or so. So here am I joining the masses in blogging my life. I could choose a topic and blog about that but I’m too scatter-brained for that; I’d never stay focused. I’ll leave it wide open to write about whatever. As in art I will wait for inspiration and motivation on a subject. It may be a dream I had, an encounter in real life or just reminiscing about the past. Maybe I’ll delve into the future but I don’t know, I don’t like to try to envision where life will take me; I’m always wrong anyway.
So this is it – my world, my mind, my thoughts, my life as it comes to me, as my mind perceives it. Read it or don’t read it, does it really matter to me? Not really, I write for myself; to get the thoughts out of my head; to make my thoughts more concrete, more real; to relieve the stress of everyday life. My words are here, whoever reads them can take what they like from them. I claim no expert knowledge on anything, only my opinions and thoughts. I don’t debate or argue with anyone so if you don’t agree with me just move on, my feelings won’t be hurt. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including me.