Who am I and what is going on

Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

On Silence

Silence

Silence, the greatest sound in the world. Long ago I couldn't stand the silence, always had a sound going like TV or radio. Even at night there was a fan going or my 'noise' machine that made wave sounds or rain.

Now I love silence. It gives me time and peace to reflect, think, imagine, create and solve the problems of everyday life. Silence accompanies me while I work on a craft or play on the computer.

Silence

Serenity

Imagine

Lazy

Escape

Nothingness

Comfort

Endless

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Choices

Up and down

Round and round

Life is one crazy merry go round

Right and wrong

Good and bad

So many choices to be made

How do we know

Which path to take

How to decide what is right for us

What if we made a different choice

What outcome would result

There is no easy answer

No definitive right or wrong

We can only trust and hope

That we’ll make the wisest choice.

Here I am

Here I am, right here, always

Things don’t change, not much

Life goes on pretty much the same

Oh yes, things happen, there are events

I go through them, and that’s it

Some events make me happy for the moment

Some events make me sad or nervous or angry

But they are just events and they pass

Always

What I am is inside me

What I am is what I do

What I am is how I feel

And for today

I can say

I am OK

What is the future?

What is the future? A time yet to come full of events and people we don’t know anything about. Maybe its more of the same, maybe it will be something we can’t even imagine now. I think sometimes about what will take place next week or next month but I try not to think too far ahead… I’m busy enough living today lol. But really, would you want to know what is going to happen, good or bad, next year or 5 years from now. Would we be too anxious to get through this year and miss out on simple things if we thought next year looked better or would we get depressed and lose our will to live if the future looked bleak.

Personally I would not ever want to know the future. I believe we create it every day by the actions we take so how could anyone know for certain. One small choice could change everything. And that is the beauty of the future and not knowing it. If we feel we are on the wrong path we can make changes, make different choices, even small ones to change the direction we are going in.  Am I saying I don’t believe in fate? I don’t know, maybe those changes we make are part of our destiny as well… stepping stones to getting where we are supposed to be. I don’t know, its one of things I could ponder for hours and never really come up with a concrete answer for myself.

I believe in planning to a certain extent, setting the events in motion to get you where you want to be. Some things, like an education, are long term and serve us for many years or even our entire life. Others are for the moment, or to get us through, like taking a dead-end job just to pay the bills. At this point in my life I feel I have made some right choices and some wrong ones along the way. But my present life is a result of my past choices and my future will be the result of my present choices. Alot of pressure really. Life takes alot of twists and turns and right now I am on a path with sharp bends and multiple forks. Will I choose right? Is there a wrong choice? Does it matter? It seems like things could go very differently depending on the decisions I make but in the end will it all turn out the same, or at least equally satisfactory? I am not going to worry about it. I will make the choices I feel are right at the time and have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Because if there is one thing I am certain of it is that the life I have lived has made me the person I am and I like me. No matter if I made mistakes, those mistakes have taught me lessons and made me strong. Its hard and sometimes painful to go through some of the things life throws at us but like they say ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’.

Ponderings

So this is Lidawma, today is June 26th, 2011 and here is what I’m thinking….

What if? What if? There are so many what if’s. I could ask them all day. What if everyone was kind? What if there was no war? What if all food was good for you? What if we could talk to cows? What if we could travel to other planets? What if we could understand all languages?  What if we had unlimited money? What if we were all living in poverty? Don’t you ever wonder things, random things?

So what if all food was good for us. I think that would be both a good thing and a bad thing. Knowing that anything we want to eat is healthy we might be tempted more to overeat. Even food that is good for us shouldn’t be eaten in mass quantities beyond what our bodies need. And if its all good for us where is the fun in sneaking a treat – but are there any treats when its all healthy? More things to wonder. On the bright side we could eat what tastes good, like chocolate, any time we want without guilt. We could eat ONLY chocolate if we choose because there is no need to endure foul tasting food. So what happens to the foods that people don’t really like the taste of? They would never be eaten. Don’t you eat certain foods only because you know its good for you? I think alot of people do. I’m sure alot of people only eat vegetables for their health benefits. I do like alot of different vegetables but I choose those I like or, sometimes, the ones that are cheapest because I know I ‘should’ eat some kind of vegetables daily. No more! If I can eat anything I want and get the same health benefits I’ll take cheesecake thank you!

Oh, what if our dreams were just an alternate reality? A reality that takes place in another realm but only when we are sleeping. Time is not the same there and neither are the laws of physics. People can fly, pigs can talk, fire can put itself out or start spontaneously. You can move through time and space just by thinking about it and often randomly end up in a different place without thinking about it, things just ‘happen’. It is an unpredictable world where anything can happen and if we learn to control it with our mind we can alter the outcome. But what if we die in the dream, are we really dead… do we stop dreaming or do we get another life; like in video games. I’m going for the multiple lives since we can’t just stop dreaming. And if we get married in a dream, are we really married… are we committing bigamy for being married to someone else in our waking life…

What if? Its a great question to ask yourself when you need something to think about. No more boredom, there’s always a what if.

What I read

Fiction or nonfiction? They both have their place on my bookshelf.

I love to read, plain and simple. I love books of all kinds. Non-fiction is my usual reading but I can get absorbed in a good fiction if its well written and interesting to me. For me fiction is an escape from the real world; I read it when I’m stressed out, life is feeling complicated and I need to ‘get away’. Thankfully I haven’t been feeling the need to read fiction lately.

In the non-fiction line I would have to say I read mostly self-help or educational books. Currently I am working on a book called “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman; its quite good. Mostly it is material I have seen in other books by other authors before but he presents it in a very easy to read style. This is the book I bring with me when I know I’ll have to wait somewhere like the waiting room at the doctor’s office. I can read a few pages and put it down for days or a couple weeks and still pick it up and start where I left off without feeling I missed something or forgot what I was reading. See I can’t do that with a novel… if I am really interested in the book I keep reading until I reach the end. It becomes an obsession. Housework doesn’t get done, I don’t go out and if its super-good I don’t even sleep until I’ve finished the story.

Magazines are great reading too. I like the short informative articles which make it easy to put down after only a few minutes of reading. Also I enjoy the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Often they are tear jerkers so I try to only read these at home but they are true stories (or so the writer of each story claims), they’re short and there is great meaning to them. They are usually, also, ‘feel good’ stories… great for a pick-me-up on a bad day. And there are so many of them geared for all different kinds of people. I personally own Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul, for the Scrapbooker’s Soul and Chicken Soup for the Mother and Daughter – given to me as a gift from my oldest daughter.

Like I said, I love to read and have a great collection of books. Right now they are packed away in boxes since I moved a few months ago. I hope to soon have them out on shelves where I can enjoy them. There are many I haven’t even read yet so there is no fear of me running out of reading material any time soon. And I look forward to pulling out my reference books like Photoshop for Dummies and my Dream Dictionary. I can’t imagine living my life without books; lots and lots of books.

The unwanted guest

Somewhere at some time I picked up a hitchhiker on life’s road. It was a rough road and I was not paying attention – I didn’t invite him in, he just hitched a ride without my permission. And now he won’t go away.

He stayed with me throughout the trip and even came home with me. Now I have an unwanted house guest that follows me everywhere and is always at my side. He sleeps in my bed, gets up with me every morning and spends almost every minute of every day interfering in my life. His presence has affected my life so much and in such a negative way that I can no longer work, I rarely get to see my family and normal every day tasks take longer and are more difficult than ever before.

Many people are aware of my ‘guest’. Some understand and are supportive, offering any advice they can to help me deal with him. Others, I’m sure, think he’s imaginary and I must be losing my mind. Honestly I often feel that I am losing my mind. Not because he’s not real, but because he is sooooo real.

Every morning he keeps me from getting up out of bed. When I wake he is there and it takes at least an hour of coaxing to get him to allow me up. His constant presence complicates everything I do from getting dressed in the morning to taking a shower. I really miss the days of jumping out of bed, full of energy and eager to start my day. Now I dread mornings and have difficulty finding joy in the simple things like going for a walk, playing with my grandchildren or just sitting outside in a lawn-chair enjoying the fresh air. Everyday tasks like cooking meals, cleaning and decorating my home are not so simple with him ‘helping’.

On a walk to the store he tags along, slowing me down and tripping me up. He makes every outing take longer and even an afternoon at the park isn’t fun like it used to be. He doesn’t get that I don’t want him around and wish he would just leave. Not to be ungrateful, but he adds nothing to my life and only takes away. There are others in my life that I want to spend more time with but his presence is a hindrance.  I can’t visit as long as I’d like, can’t go out and have fun with my friends, go to a movie or go bike riding. He’s a real stick-in-the-mud.

Do you have an unwanted guest like this; I know many people do. Maybe you call your guest pain, or maybe he’s fatigue. Some people have depression staying with them, or anxiety, fear or stress… these guests have many  names and none of them are pleasant guests. It makes it so much more difficult to invite in the guests we want to see more of like happiness and joy, passion, energy and optimism. But I will continue to work on my unwanted guest, Pain. He is not welcome in my home or in my life. I am doing everything I can to get rid of him and I have others helping me. Hopefully someday he will be gone for good. In the mean time I will continue to invite joy and happiness and all the other good friends… they come when they can and stay as long as they can. If I work at it and try to make my life more welcoming to them I’m sure they can stay more… maybe even co-exist with pain at times. There is always hope.