Who am I and what is going on

Ponderings

So this is Lidawma, today is June 26th, 2011 and here is what I’m thinking….

What if? What if? There are so many what if’s. I could ask them all day. What if everyone was kind? What if there was no war? What if all food was good for you? What if we could talk to cows? What if we could travel to other planets? What if we could understand all languages?  What if we had unlimited money? What if we were all living in poverty? Don’t you ever wonder things, random things?

So what if all food was good for us. I think that would be both a good thing and a bad thing. Knowing that anything we want to eat is healthy we might be tempted more to overeat. Even food that is good for us shouldn’t be eaten in mass quantities beyond what our bodies need. And if its all good for us where is the fun in sneaking a treat – but are there any treats when its all healthy? More things to wonder. On the bright side we could eat what tastes good, like chocolate, any time we want without guilt. We could eat ONLY chocolate if we choose because there is no need to endure foul tasting food. So what happens to the foods that people don’t really like the taste of? They would never be eaten. Don’t you eat certain foods only because you know its good for you? I think alot of people do. I’m sure alot of people only eat vegetables for their health benefits. I do like alot of different vegetables but I choose those I like or, sometimes, the ones that are cheapest because I know I ‘should’ eat some kind of vegetables daily. No more! If I can eat anything I want and get the same health benefits I’ll take cheesecake thank you!

Oh, what if our dreams were just an alternate reality? A reality that takes place in another realm but only when we are sleeping. Time is not the same there and neither are the laws of physics. People can fly, pigs can talk, fire can put itself out or start spontaneously. You can move through time and space just by thinking about it and often randomly end up in a different place without thinking about it, things just ‘happen’. It is an unpredictable world where anything can happen and if we learn to control it with our mind we can alter the outcome. But what if we die in the dream, are we really dead… do we stop dreaming or do we get another life; like in video games. I’m going for the multiple lives since we can’t just stop dreaming. And if we get married in a dream, are we really married… are we committing bigamy for being married to someone else in our waking life…

What if? Its a great question to ask yourself when you need something to think about. No more boredom, there’s always a what if.

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Topsy Turvy

View from Blue Cottage.jpg - 2nd Paradise Retreat - Lunenburg - rentals

Up and down

Round and round

Spinning, spinning, spinning

Life is full of twist and turns

Struggles, grief and pain

Time to stop the whirling top

And find a resting place

Somewhere quiet, peaceful; ‘sigh’

Where is this secret place?

While some folks seem to know it well

I’ve lost my way it seems

I know it isn’t far away

But it’s evading me

Time to stop the whirling top

And find my resting place

View from Blue Cottage.jpg - 2nd Paradise Retreat - Lunenburg - rentals

Birdsong

River flowing

Birds singing

Nature’s perfect music

Wind rustling

Sun shining

Couldn’t ask for more

What are the birds saying

They sound so happy and playful

Soaring through the air

Carefree and graceful

In my next life

I want to be a bird

What I read

Fiction or nonfiction? They both have their place on my bookshelf.

I love to read, plain and simple. I love books of all kinds. Non-fiction is my usual reading but I can get absorbed in a good fiction if its well written and interesting to me. For me fiction is an escape from the real world; I read it when I’m stressed out, life is feeling complicated and I need to ‘get away’. Thankfully I haven’t been feeling the need to read fiction lately.

In the non-fiction line I would have to say I read mostly self-help or educational books. Currently I am working on a book called “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman; its quite good. Mostly it is material I have seen in other books by other authors before but he presents it in a very easy to read style. This is the book I bring with me when I know I’ll have to wait somewhere like the waiting room at the doctor’s office. I can read a few pages and put it down for days or a couple weeks and still pick it up and start where I left off without feeling I missed something or forgot what I was reading. See I can’t do that with a novel… if I am really interested in the book I keep reading until I reach the end. It becomes an obsession. Housework doesn’t get done, I don’t go out and if its super-good I don’t even sleep until I’ve finished the story.

Magazines are great reading too. I like the short informative articles which make it easy to put down after only a few minutes of reading. Also I enjoy the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Often they are tear jerkers so I try to only read these at home but they are true stories (or so the writer of each story claims), they’re short and there is great meaning to them. They are usually, also, ‘feel good’ stories… great for a pick-me-up on a bad day. And there are so many of them geared for all different kinds of people. I personally own Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul, for the Scrapbooker’s Soul and Chicken Soup for the Mother and Daughter – given to me as a gift from my oldest daughter.

Like I said, I love to read and have a great collection of books. Right now they are packed away in boxes since I moved a few months ago. I hope to soon have them out on shelves where I can enjoy them. There are many I haven’t even read yet so there is no fear of me running out of reading material any time soon. And I look forward to pulling out my reference books like Photoshop for Dummies and my Dream Dictionary. I can’t imagine living my life without books; lots and lots of books.

The unwanted guest

Somewhere at some time I picked up a hitchhiker on life’s road. It was a rough road and I was not paying attention – I didn’t invite him in, he just hitched a ride without my permission. And now he won’t go away.

He stayed with me throughout the trip and even came home with me. Now I have an unwanted house guest that follows me everywhere and is always at my side. He sleeps in my bed, gets up with me every morning and spends almost every minute of every day interfering in my life. His presence has affected my life so much and in such a negative way that I can no longer work, I rarely get to see my family and normal every day tasks take longer and are more difficult than ever before.

Many people are aware of my ‘guest’. Some understand and are supportive, offering any advice they can to help me deal with him. Others, I’m sure, think he’s imaginary and I must be losing my mind. Honestly I often feel that I am losing my mind. Not because he’s not real, but because he is sooooo real.

Every morning he keeps me from getting up out of bed. When I wake he is there and it takes at least an hour of coaxing to get him to allow me up. His constant presence complicates everything I do from getting dressed in the morning to taking a shower. I really miss the days of jumping out of bed, full of energy and eager to start my day. Now I dread mornings and have difficulty finding joy in the simple things like going for a walk, playing with my grandchildren or just sitting outside in a lawn-chair enjoying the fresh air. Everyday tasks like cooking meals, cleaning and decorating my home are not so simple with him ‘helping’.

On a walk to the store he tags along, slowing me down and tripping me up. He makes every outing take longer and even an afternoon at the park isn’t fun like it used to be. He doesn’t get that I don’t want him around and wish he would just leave. Not to be ungrateful, but he adds nothing to my life and only takes away. There are others in my life that I want to spend more time with but his presence is a hindrance.  I can’t visit as long as I’d like, can’t go out and have fun with my friends, go to a movie or go bike riding. He’s a real stick-in-the-mud.

Do you have an unwanted guest like this; I know many people do. Maybe you call your guest pain, or maybe he’s fatigue. Some people have depression staying with them, or anxiety, fear or stress… these guests have many  names and none of them are pleasant guests. It makes it so much more difficult to invite in the guests we want to see more of like happiness and joy, passion, energy and optimism. But I will continue to work on my unwanted guest, Pain. He is not welcome in my home or in my life. I am doing everything I can to get rid of him and I have others helping me. Hopefully someday he will be gone for good. In the mean time I will continue to invite joy and happiness and all the other good friends… they come when they can and stay as long as they can. If I work at it and try to make my life more welcoming to them I’m sure they can stay more… maybe even co-exist with pain at times. There is always hope.

My Happy Place

Sunrise over the river, illuminated by the first rays of the sun trees reflected in water. stock photography

Cool water flowing down a gentle river

Sunlight shining through the crisp green leaves

A breeze, gently touching my face

Somewhere half way up and half way down

Sitting, with a cup of coffee

Enjoying the early morning stillness

My happy place where nothing in the world is wrong

Everything is right

Everything is calm and serene

No harm can come here

Now only accessible in my mind

The real world is all around me

Troubles bounce of the shell I am in

Until I am prepared;

Filled with light and energy

Ready to face the world

 

The Not so Big Life

It is June 2nd, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking…

The Not so big life is a book I started reading but, more than just a book, it is a whole new way of thinking and living life. So what does it mean to me? As I said, I ‘started’ reading it… never did get all the way through it and didn’t do all the exercises after the chapters. My plan was to read it through once first, then go back and actually ‘do’ it. But I’ve halted before the end of the initial reading and I’m not sure why. It is very interesting and supports my current thoughts and beliefs but maybe it just seems like too much work. Which is ironic really since paring life down to the basics should make life simpler. It would, I believe, if I could get past the mental blocks regarding how ‘busy’ and ‘full’ my life is.

Truth be told my life is empty and boring right now.  I’m not working due to a very bad back so I can’t even do much with my days besides lie in bed, watch movies, listen to music and play on this computer. I am doing a bit more than that. I try to get out for a walk most days when the weather cooperates. I also do some light housework, cooking, sewing, painting, etc…. So why would I feel the need to make my life ‘not so big’? To many people my life is already pretty small and simple… too small and simple maybe. This is where the conundrum comes in. There is a simple life and then there is a ‘thoughtful’ life; mine is simple, not thoughtful. I do too many things the easy way rather than the ‘right’ way. Such as – I don’t sort my garbage though we have a province wide waste management program to eliminate so much waste. I should be sorting compost, recyclables, paper, returnables and true waste. It bothers me that I’m not but I’m not doing anything about it. Also, I am not eating right; I am eating simple, easy, cheap food that is not always as nutritious as I’d prefer. I know I feel better and have more energy if I don’t drink coffee, eat white flour, dairy and sugar. So why am I not doing these things?

The only answer I can come up with is that I’m lazy. Both of these changes require some work, some thought and some organizing. I have all the time in the world so there is no excuse. I have been thinking alot lately about writing and meditating and I know I would be more motivated to live a better life if I took the time to do these simple things. So right now, at this moment, I will challenge myself.  I must write something every day, anything (not counting grocery or to-do list) – a poem, a journal entry, a bit of my memoir, whatever as long as I write. And I must take 15-30 minutes for myself to meditate. I have a guided meditation if I need that to start with but just some nature sounds, a babbling brook or soft music should help to get me in the mood. Then I’ll see if I can tackle the bigger things and make my life ‘not so big’