What is the future? A time yet to come full of events and people we don’t know anything about. Maybe its more of the same, maybe it will be something we can’t even imagine now. I think sometimes about what will take place next week or next month but I try not to think too far ahead… I’m busy enough living today lol. But really, would you want to know what is going to happen, good or bad, next year or 5 years from now. Would we be too anxious to get through this year and miss out on simple things if we thought next year looked better or would we get depressed and lose our will to live if the future looked bleak.
Personally I would not ever want to know the future. I believe we create it every day by the actions we take so how could anyone know for certain. One small choice could change everything. And that is the beauty of the future and not knowing it. If we feel we are on the wrong path we can make changes, make different choices, even small ones to change the direction we are going in. Am I saying I don’t believe in fate? I don’t know, maybe those changes we make are part of our destiny as well… stepping stones to getting where we are supposed to be. I don’t know, its one of things I could ponder for hours and never really come up with a concrete answer for myself.
I believe in planning to a certain extent, setting the events in motion to get you where you want to be. Some things, like an education, are long term and serve us for many years or even our entire life. Others are for the moment, or to get us through, like taking a dead-end job just to pay the bills. At this point in my life I feel I have made some right choices and some wrong ones along the way. But my present life is a result of my past choices and my future will be the result of my present choices. Alot of pressure really. Life takes alot of twists and turns and right now I am on a path with sharp bends and multiple forks. Will I choose right? Is there a wrong choice? Does it matter? It seems like things could go very differently depending on the decisions I make but in the end will it all turn out the same, or at least equally satisfactory? I am not going to worry about it. I will make the choices I feel are right at the time and have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Because if there is one thing I am certain of it is that the life I have lived has made me the person I am and I like me. No matter if I made mistakes, those mistakes have taught me lessons and made me strong. Its hard and sometimes painful to go through some of the things life throws at us but like they say ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’.
It is June 2nd, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking…
The Not so big life is a book I started reading but, more than just a book, it is a whole new way of thinking and living life. So what does it mean to me? As I said, I ‘started’ reading it… never did get all the way through it and didn’t do all the exercises after the chapters. My plan was to read it through once first, then go back and actually ‘do’ it. But I’ve halted before the end of the initial reading and I’m not sure why. It is very interesting and supports my current thoughts and beliefs but maybe it just seems like too much work. Which is ironic really since paring life down to the basics should make life simpler. It would, I believe, if I could get past the mental blocks regarding how ‘busy’ and ‘full’ my life is.
Truth be told my life is empty and boring right now. I’m not working due to a very bad back so I can’t even do much with my days besides lie in bed, watch movies, listen to music and play on this computer. I am doing a bit more than that. I try to get out for a walk most days when the weather cooperates. I also do some light housework, cooking, sewing, painting, etc…. So why would I feel the need to make my life ‘not so big’? To many people my life is already pretty small and simple… too small and simple maybe. This is where the conundrum comes in. There is a simple life and then there is a ‘thoughtful’ life; mine is simple, not thoughtful. I do too many things the easy way rather than the ‘right’ way. Such as – I don’t sort my garbage though we have a province wide waste management program to eliminate so much waste. I should be sorting compost, recyclables, paper, returnables and true waste. It bothers me that I’m not but I’m not doing anything about it. Also, I am not eating right; I am eating simple, easy, cheap food that is not always as nutritious as I’d prefer. I know I feel better and have more energy if I don’t drink coffee, eat white flour, dairy and sugar. So why am I not doing these things?
The only answer I can come up with is that I’m lazy. Both of these changes require some work, some thought and some organizing. I have all the time in the world so there is no excuse. I have been thinking alot lately about writing and meditating and I know I would be more motivated to live a better life if I took the time to do these simple things. So right now, at this moment, I will challenge myself. I must write something every day, anything (not counting grocery or to-do list) – a poem, a journal entry, a bit of my memoir, whatever as long as I write. And I must take 15-30 minutes for myself to meditate. I have a guided meditation if I need that to start with but just some nature sounds, a babbling brook or soft music should help to get me in the mood. Then I’ll see if I can tackle the bigger things and make my life ‘not so big’