Who am I and what is going on

Posts tagged ‘depression’

The unwanted guest

Somewhere at some time I picked up a hitchhiker on life’s road. It was a rough road and I was not paying attention – I didn’t invite him in, he just hitched a ride without my permission. And now he won’t go away.

He stayed with me throughout the trip and even came home with me. Now I have an unwanted house guest that follows me everywhere and is always at my side. He sleeps in my bed, gets up with me every morning and spends almost every minute of every day interfering in my life. His presence has affected my life so much and in such a negative way that I can no longer work, I rarely get to see my family and normal every day tasks take longer and are more difficult than ever before.

Many people are aware of my ‘guest’. Some understand and are supportive, offering any advice they can to help me deal with him. Others, I’m sure, think he’s imaginary and I must be losing my mind. Honestly I often feel that I am losing my mind. Not because he’s not real, but because he is sooooo real.

Every morning he keeps me from getting up out of bed. When I wake he is there and it takes at least an hour of coaxing to get him to allow me up. His constant presence complicates everything I do from getting dressed in the morning to taking a shower. I really miss the days of jumping out of bed, full of energy and eager to start my day. Now I dread mornings and have difficulty finding joy in the simple things like going for a walk, playing with my grandchildren or just sitting outside in a lawn-chair enjoying the fresh air. Everyday tasks like cooking meals, cleaning and decorating my home are not so simple with him ‘helping’.

On a walk to the store he tags along, slowing me down and tripping me up. He makes every outing take longer and even an afternoon at the park isn’t fun like it used to be. He doesn’t get that I don’t want him around and wish he would just leave. Not to be ungrateful, but he adds nothing to my life and only takes away. There are others in my life that I want to spend more time with but his presence is a hindrance.  I can’t visit as long as I’d like, can’t go out and have fun with my friends, go to a movie or go bike riding. He’s a real stick-in-the-mud.

Do you have an unwanted guest like this; I know many people do. Maybe you call your guest pain, or maybe he’s fatigue. Some people have depression staying with them, or anxiety, fear or stress… these guests have many  names and none of them are pleasant guests. It makes it so much more difficult to invite in the guests we want to see more of like happiness and joy, passion, energy and optimism. But I will continue to work on my unwanted guest, Pain. He is not welcome in my home or in my life. I am doing everything I can to get rid of him and I have others helping me. Hopefully someday he will be gone for good. In the mean time I will continue to invite joy and happiness and all the other good friends… they come when they can and stay as long as they can. If I work at it and try to make my life more welcoming to them I’m sure they can stay more… maybe even co-exist with pain at times. There is always hope.

Art Therapy

It’s May 24th, 2011, I’m Lidawma and this is what I’m thinking….

Today was a horrible day. I’m not coping well with being in pain all day every day, being on disability with lots of time on my hands and trying to work with my doctor and disability worker to get my benefits flowing. It’s all very stressful, no one seems particularly helpful and it feels like there is nothing I can do to change this situation. I have no money and don’t see when more will come in – a situation I have not had to deal with in many many years. So I came home from the doctor today, cried and spent the whole day in bed depressed like crazy and feeling so hopeless.  To top it off its pouring rain.

So this evening I finally got out of bed and decided to do something. I had a couple canvases with paintings started on them. I had no idea what I was going to paint or how I was going to finish them but I just picked one up and started. I tend to do a lot of what I call ‘contrast’ art. I’ll do one drawing that’s happy and one similar but sad. One bright and one dark or a painting that depicts two extremes. At least I’m not painting/drawing all doom and gloom. I do see the bright side, the hope, the light. I’m happy with the one painting I finished tonight, or at least I think I’m finished with it. The other is just a beginning but I’m happy with it too. And surprise, surprise I’m feeling a little less depressed. Or maybe its just that I’m thinking less about my situation and just getting absorbed in the painting; whatever works. I’ve heard about art being used as therapy and now I understand why. I must try to remember to use this more often, even if its just sketching in my sketch book. It doesn’t cost much and I have lots of supplies already, just have to get out of bed and take that first step… pick up the pencil or paintbrush and create a better mood for myself.